On September 28, 2017 I lost my oldest son David. He was 19, young and beautiful. David was so smart but more than that, he had the biggest heart. His love for others and love for life and excitement often got him into trouble. He tended to go along with whatever his friends wanted to do and at the time of his death, he was facing possible jail time for mistakes he made. David was never one to hide his feelings or his emotions. We all knew he was in trouble but we didn't know how serious it was. The night he took his life, my world came crashing down. All of the guilt and shame for missing it. All of the last conversations, all of the pain of a rough life due to divorce and anger and pushing and pulling lay on my shoulders like a giant weight. It was so much more than I could bear and words could not describe the grief and pain I felt. As I drove the two hours to see my child for the last time, all I could do was play worship music to keep my mind focused on the one thing that I knew would keep me hanging on to that very thin thread. Jesus.
I just cried and sang as I drove and every few minutes I would reach my hand behind the seat and comfort my youngest son as he cried. It was a horrible, unforgettable night and we never got to see David that night. It would be two days later, on Saturday that we were able to drive back down to Onslow County and I was able to see my baby boy one last time. I almost didn't make it into the room seeing him laid out like that. I remember going back to the hotel room and sitting at the table and crying out to God aloud for him to take this pain and shame and hurt from me. I prayed like that for several minutes and then put my earphones in and walked out on the balcony that overlooked the ocean. As I stared at the sea, a song came on my radio that I had never heard before. It was called Deliverer - Matt Maher
You see, David did not leave a note so I never knew what his last thoughts and words were but if he could talk to me right there in that moment, I knew that God was giving me this song to remind me that David was His and He has Delivered my son.
Over the next few months, from September to January, I was lost in a haze of alcoholism and fighting God. I was angry and hurt and I could not understand how I was supposed to move forward having experienced my worst fear. I thought if I woke up and let God in, let others in, I would be letting go of my beautiful boy and all that he meant to me. I felt like there was no one else on earth who could understand David the way I did and who I could share with and they understand exactly who he was and how he impacted my life. Thank God for the Holy Spirit who never quit reminding me that He also experienced this pain. He gave up His one and only Son to die for me. He watched His Son be tortured and killed by those He wanted to save.
As I went through the grieving process, I believe it was divine appointment that I was also going through a medical program to receive bariatric surgery. Somehow God opened all of the doors for me that could have taken so much longer and my surgery was scheduled for February 20, 2018. Almost exactly five months after losing David. My pre-op diet started January 25, 2018. Part of this clear liquid diet, meant to shrink my liver, also meant I had to give up alcohol. I began to prepare myself mentally and spiritually to finally let this vice go that had been in control of me off and on since I was 21. When the day finally came to start the diet, I went in full force and never looked back.
Pic from Jan 25, 2018.
To this day, a year later, I do not drink and I pray that the Lord will continue to keep me sober for the rest of my life. In the past, I quit drinking for many reasons, mostly for my loved ones or because I had done something stupid. This time I did not go back after surgery because I realized the impact that this was having on my relationship with God. I can't fully worship God or be in communion with Him if I have another God in my life. For a long time I loved escaping to alcohol more than I loved Jesus. I now know that I cannot live a day without God's peace in my heart. Without Him, I am back to that lost, broken, darkness that almost swallowed me when I lost David. I never ever want to be there again.
Without the alcohol to numb me, I began to really go through the process of grief and it was then that I began to study my bible daily. A few days after David's passing, I went to his dad's house and they gave me the Bible that I had sent to David while he was in jail. He had it in the back of his car. That Bible became my lifeline. I read it and mark in it almost every day. I began to see the beautiful story that God has for me in this chapter of my life and my heart became lighter each day just like my body.
God has not only restored my relationship with Him, He has restored my relationship with my children, my husband, my church family and countless others. Things are not perfect. I still have days where I cry out of the blue for my son. I still fail God. The difference is that when I fail, I fall into the arms of my loving Father and ask Him to help me instead of running. My goal now is to reach other mom's who have lost children and share with them a sense of hope. Even if they haven't lost a child, a person who is running from God is not hard to spot and I just want to love them. God has placed in me a love for others that was never fully there before. If it was, I was always quick to put a wall up before I allowed myself to get hurt. I want to learn to love with abandon. No matter what, God is in control and He will fight the battle. It is not on me to "save" or change anyone, I can just be there to love them.
I miss David every single day. I wanted to share with those of you that feel like you will never come out of the darkness of loss, that there is hope. We recently celebrated David's 21st birthday at the beach. His brothers and sister and my husband came with me and we just spent a weekend together. We can talk about him now. We can laugh at some of the memories.
Here is my Facebook post from his birthday, January 20, 2019. Love and peace to you all.
Last year on David James Steen's Birthday we left your ashes in the sea. This year and from now on, I will carry home beautiful broken pieces found in that very sea to remind me of you. Thank you Lord for my broken pieces and for how beautiful they become when tossed in the sea.... Amen
It has only been a little over a year so I am sure I have much to learn as the days pass. I hope I will be more faithful to share in the journey here on my blog but no promises. One day at a time is all I do now.
Much love and peace to all of you!
~ Kelley
